Monday, April 21, 2008

takes a licking ... and collapses into a puddle of tears

How many licks does it take to get to the primordial ooze at the center of a "zen" imbecile?

We thought we take some time on the Sunday before her 38th birthday to find out!


Lick #1: A few days of sleep deprivation.

Lick #2: A shopping excursion alone because her husband has to work and she likes to pretend that she doesn't need female company for such things.

Lick #3: Said shopping excursion requiring a visit to one of those sprawling suburban strip mall complexes.

Lick #4: Said sprawling suburban strip mall complex happens to be the portal to Hell known as Brodie Lane where all U-turns are illegal. There are NO street numbers posted anywhere so unless you're intimately familiar with the shopping complex, you cannot make a surgical strike at the store of your choosing. It appears that this River Styx of a four lane blacktop is designed to force you through a labrynth of chain stores guarded by phalanxes of monstrous SUVs in hopes that you abandon all hope of escape and decide you simply must also stop at Michael's, World Market, Barnes&Noble, Ross, Circuit City, LinensNThings, Home Depot ... OK I'll stop now ... on your way to Babies R Us.


At this point in our experiment, said "zen" imbecile's veneer has been reduced to a fragile crust. And she has been reduced to inane screeching at traffic impediments.

But because we are true scientists, we will resist the temptation to bite and continue with a few methodical and well-calibrated final licks.


Lick #5: Cram a bowling ball into her abdominal region and have her complete all the above in this condition.


Extraordinary, ladies and gentlemen ... she's hanging tough.


Lick #6: Have her watch a 60 Minutes episode in which a Special Forces Marine stationed in Afghanistan collapses into tears while recounting the heroics of his squadron.


Ta da!

Six licks.


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