Things a Child Should Never Hear - Abridged

Ah Ruth, I could write volumes (VOLUMES!) on this subject. I have a lifetime's supply - creeping up on 38 years worth - of unpleasantries to share. Thankfully, you've hemmed me in with your own five short but fine examples.

(Alot of these are actually multi-sensory experiences.)

(Terrifying, I know.)

1) Mom giggling, "Oh Bill!" and elbowing my dad in the ribs while waggling her eyebrows at him as a girl with very large breasts passes us.

2) At Kurt's very first visit to my parents' home, Mom standing up to fetch something from the kitchen and farting in his face as she does.

3) In my grandmother's nursing home, after she has asked if she can go out shopping, Mom asking the doctor to evaluate the possibility like so: "We know that her health is very fragile and that she shouldn't be exposed to any kind of risk unless it is absolutely necessary. Do you think she'd be in any danger if we took her out like that?" and then gesticulating wildly to the doctor behind my grandmother's back that the answer must be, in no uncertain terms, "No."

4) Scene: INTERIOR, MOVIE THEATER, NIGHT

Me: Mimi (other grandmother) asked me if Pop had cancer.

Mom: What did you tell her?

Me: I said No. I mean technically he doesn't have cancer anymore because they removed it yesterday. Also, I don't like the idea of outing my parents as liars to my grandmother. Why the hell didn't you tell her?

Mom: That's a pretty good answer. I wonder how she figured it out.

Me: She told the nurses he was getting his prostate removed and they said the only reason they'd do that would be if he had cancer.

Mom: Hmmm.

Me: Why DIDN'T you TELL her!?!

Mom: We didn't want her to worry.

Me: So you stuck ME in the incredibly awkward situation of having to lie to my grandmother so that you didn't have to deal with the consequences. You could've at least told me what you were up to.

Mom: I'm sorry. You know how your grandmother is.

Me: ...

5) The next day, hearing my grandmother say "If your father dies before I do, your mother will put me out on the street."