he says, "hello!"

I have a baby inside of me.

You're probably thinking "Well, duh. That's what happens when you get pregnant," and, you know, fair enough but ...

I mean, seriously ...

There's a baby in there.

Like, in there ---> ( @ )

A baby. Wiggling around and shit.

I can feel him moving. If you timed it right, you could feel him moving too. A living being, inside of me, is using my uterus as his own personal bouncy bounce. It's fucking crazy.

I hate to say that he's kicking. That's the standard protocol but my god the variety of motions he's tried inside me conjure images of an entire cartoon universe:

* scritching out a tick mark on the walls of his prison to note the passage of time.
* doing a soft shoe routine
* practicing tai chi
* shadow boxing
* tinkering with a peep hole in the belly button region
* knitting
* swimming laps and especially doing flip turns
* sproinging off every wall in the room like Ricochet Rabbit
* throwing a temper tantrum on my cervix

Pregnant women habitually rub their bellies. I can't speak for anybody else, but, when I'm doing it, I'm just trying to find the next place he might bust a move.