letter to the editor

To whom it may concern:

I don't usually write letters like these but the situation I want to address has become intolerable. While it is perfectly obvious to me why newspapers, magazines, and other print/online media hire critics, it is decidedly less clear why such institutions might send them into the homes of the writers they are criticizing. After all, the general public wants to know about a work prior to reading it but when someone is constantly harassing the person producing those works the likelihood that said works will be completed is close to nill.

More importantly, why would you send one of your minions to harass someone who isn't even published or trying to get published? Is this your version of a pre-emptive strike? Do you think you're the publishing world's Dick Cheney with a 1% policy against bad writing? If there's a 1% chance that the writing is bad, then it must be stopped? It is counter-productive.

And mean. Just plain mean.

Sincerely,
Zen Imbecile

Editor's Note: We're sorry that Ms. Imbecile does not appreciate the assistance we've provided her. Free of charge, we might add. We're sure that if she took a bit more time to think about it, she'd realize that she and the public agree - no one wants to read bad writing so it is best to stop it at the source.


Dear Inner Critic,

Your boss is an self-important ass so I'm going straight to the source. Although it feels very strange to write you a letter while you're looking over my shoulder, I'm hoping that communicating with you in this form will prevent you from interfering with the letter writing process.

Can you please just leave me alone? I mean, I get one word out and you're fucking smirking at me. It is six in the fucking morning for christ's sake and I'm trying to write this shit off the top of my head. It isn't supposed to be perfect. If anything, I want to just write freely for a half hour or so. With no particular goal in mind except maybe to connect with ...

With what?

People? Readers?

Yeah.

God. Don't look at me like that!! I hate that fucking smirk. You think it is so fucking meaningful. As if you've said something. That's the worst thing about you. You don't say much at all. You just like click your tongue at me or raise an eyebrow. You drop your head in exasperation. It is fucking brilliant that you're criticizing my writing without using any WORDS. You're just a series of facial ticks and sound effects but somehow you stop me in my tracks.

You know what? I don't even know if I want to connect with any readers. I think there are only about two left. I want to connect with me. I want to spend time entertaining myself before my shitty ass day begins.

Why on God's green earth would you want to interfere with that? Why do you care?

Screw you. I've had enough.

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Hello?

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Did that work?

Hello!?

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Hello?

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Hmmm.

Cool.