Monday, July 17, 2006

love me, love me, say that you'll love me

Sometimes the idea of writing absolutely horrifies me. Especially writing something that somebody will read but even, even something that nobody will ever read. I pry my fingers open, place a pen within them, and bend them around it. I guide my hand to the paper and crank it up and down and around on the page.

It would rather rise up and stab me in the forehead but thankfully I have complete control of it at least from the elbow down. Even now, typing on the computer, they (my hands, that is) let me write because they get some sort of visceral pleasure from clattering away on the keyboard but don't really give a shit about what's coming out the other side of their morning exercise. So as long as I keep them on the keyboard, they more or less do what I ask. But if I stop for more than a few seconds I'm screwed.

I've been thinking alot about my job lately (duh) and not all of it has been bad. Some realizations I've come to recently include:

1) Because I make plenty of money, any artistic endeavors I take on do not have to be motivated by the need to earn a living. This gives me a freedom that I can't imagine otherwise. I must admit that even though I don't spend alot of money I really really like making alot of it so I don't have to think too hard about where it'll come from. My job allows me to do this. I used to be constantly on the lookout for something to do in my free time that would also make me money and be a creative outlet but I found that I could never really enjoy any of it because, in my mind, I was constantly skipping down the roads of success or failure instead of actually doing what I set out to do.

2) My job is not in the least taxing so I have plenty of extra energy to expend on creative endeavors. Hurrah! ... I don't do it. Unless making big meals counts as a creative endeavor.
But I know I have the energy for it.

The whole point of this exercise is to get me to write every morning and nothing more. Despite the fact that this exercise is not motivated by potential success or the need for money I have already turned it into that. I want to be read! I want to be laughed at (or with, I think)! I want to be recommended! I want to be referenced!

What does that mean? It means that after awhile I find it difficult to put my fingers on the keyboard because I want to make something you'll like. And not even for the sake of money. Simply for the sake of personal gratification and ego.

Stupid ego.


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