smack in the middle of

I am a loud person. I say this with ____________.

That space was intentionally left blank because I don’t know the word I’m looking for. It falls somewhere between shame and pride but not smack in the middle of the two because that would suggest I feel any shame about the fact that I’m loud and I definitely do not. So really my feelings about my loudness fall somewhere between smack-in-the-middle-of-shame-and-pride and pride.

Although … pride suggests that I’ve worked hard to acquire the quality of loudness, that I personally deserve some kind of credit for it and that’s just not true. I’m just loud; that’s just how I am.

So if I feel neither pride nor shame or anything on the continuum between the two, what do I feel? Acceptance?

Hmmm ... I accept that fact that I am loud.

No. That’s dumb. That sounds too much like resignation.

I like the fact that I am loud. It entertains me. The faces my friends make when my loudness embarrasses them make me laugh. Actually, Kurt can also be loud although usually only when it is safe – in other words, around friends – whereas I’m almost always loud except in movies, concerts, museums, and churches.

This, by the way, is all a preamble to my next entry in this blog which will about honeymooning in Paris from 8 May to 16 May.

That’s right. Loud Americans in Paris.

When people heard that we were going to Paris they generally responded in one of three ways: 1) Expressed envy and amazement 2) Asked us the arrondissement we were going to stay in (we didn’t know) and made a list of things we had to do there 3) Joked about disguising ourselves as Canadians.

But I am an American. I say this with ______________.